tly contradictory effects on us all. Firstly,   capable of killing ourselves. And secondly, tion made us suicidal again.

    t isnt a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. A long time ago, I  remain nameless because you  certainly have heard of him.

    And old me t t time tempt to quit t terrifying day of  t op drinking, if  round to it, so as t  o drink, t ted to do aemporarily confuse our issues.

    I didnt properly understand il I sa guy jump off til tion, a , money in t  place. It belonged to to go t extra t been t sat on my  t of tter  ill around, and y not to be.  nig  called Curned out not to be terribly germane to our story. Im not sure o go and look for C. Becks Suicide Intent Scale? Pretty . Beck ree. No one could say tent  there.

    e got off t roof s  not to , in ttle toppers previous, after all, and by oy of tory - unand less of it, rat  t.

    So  as damaged lungs and varicosed legs  us, and  our separate oo nervous to go for a drink in te vicinity, and too nervous to travel in a taxi togettered t  pub to toppers  full of un come doele?

    Does  try to get text to mix o mix ions again ternoon in Starbucks, and everyone e aftermat ly clear t  tomers: young mots udents… I tried to imagine talking to any of t it   to  people jumping off to from tting h.

    I  guy, said JJ. Man.  , you know. A drama queen. A male drama queen.

    A drama king, said Jess. .

    ts very s of o  strike me as someone hing on your scale, anyway.

    Itll be in to read ts. Especially o Neo compare myself hem.

    And?  on? O understand.

    sort of things? Money.

    I owe loads of people money, said Jess proudly.

    Perhink of killing yourself, I said.

    Its not mucy quid y quid there.

    Even so. A debts a debt. And if you cant pay… Maybe you sake t.

    s keep some focus, ? Isnt t to focus on? Lets focus on t guy.

    e dont kno him.

    No, but, I dont kno to me. t was w we were gonna do.

    ere we? I was, said Jess.

    But you didnt.

    You sat on my head.

    But you  done anyt it since.

    ell. e  to t party. And  on holiday. And, you know.

    ter another.

    terrible, isnt it,  o block out some time in your diary. Otting in the way.

    S up.

    Guys, guys… I o be drao an undignified spat o act in a more statesmanlike manner.

    Like JJ, I  a long nigating, I said.

    tosser.

    And my conclusion is t  serious people. e  closer t nos us in something of a bind.

    I agree. ere fucked, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

    Im missing something, said Jess.

    t, I said. this is us.

    is? tured vaguely at our surroundings, tside, all of ly of our current condition. t. t. Not even t is t. Not for us.

    Fuck t, said Jess. And Im not sorry, Maureen.

    t, I o tell you about somet suicide. Do you remember? Any ts ninety days.

    guy? JJ asked.

    t guy.

    ts a job? Everythings a job.

    So w? said Jess.

    So y days.

    And y days? Not… t. things change.

    t arrangement of stuff t made you ts got sed around somes like a sort of real-life version of astrology.

    Noto cill going to be telly een-year-old and  to prison. No one  t.

    Yes. ell. Im sure ty days t apply in my case, I   said. If t makes you happier.

    ont  ce a lot.

    My point, any end our deadline again. Because… ell, I dont kno you lot. But I realized t Im not, you knoo go solo just yet. Its funny, because I dont actually like any of you very muc you seem to be, I dont know…  I need.

    You know imes you know you sing more cabbage?

    Or drinking more er? Its like t.

    t, ed as a declaration of reluctant solidarity.

    toucy days up? Marc.

    ts a bit of a coincidence, isnt it? said Jess. Exactly ths.

    s your point? ell. Its not scientific, is it? , and eig days ific, yeah.

    No, I get it, said JJ. t righs is like a season.

    Very muchs in a year.

    So er togets cool. inter is he blues, JJ said.

    So it would appear, I said.

    But ta do somet just sit around ing for to be up.

    typical American, said Jess.  do you  to do? Bomb some poor little country someake my mind off things, some bombing.

    should we do? I asked him.

    I dont kno kno if  helping ourselves.

    Jess is rigypical bloody American. quot;; Self- your mind to it, rig.

    is it  talking about becoming President.

    Im talking about, like, finding a job ing tables.

    Great, said Jess. Lets all not kill ourselves because someone gave us a fifty pence tip.

    No fucking c in try, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

    You could al go back y-four days to go.

    ticle I read: an intervieer jumping off te Bridge in San Francisco.

    ter jumping,  t deal  solve - apart from t given  knoell t t; youd t mig information. I ed to keep it to myself for time being, t seemed like somet mige later,  ever was.

    MAUREEN  It  tory out, and kept it, and I read it every so often, just to try to understand tter. I couldnt keep  of my  someone else, and moved ao be aken treets ao me, a coincidence, until I realized t people in my local paper alo open a sco Mattys school once, for example.

    I  been ready on Neo make tions, because it gave me someto do - Neo look foro, in a strange sort of o talk to, to talk, instead of jump. t me jump, I told t  in my  on my  even so, Id gone doairs and on to ty. t ed to talk to us, t iced. o jump, not to natter. I t Id gone to jump, but I ended up nattering anyway.

    If you t about it, tes.

    about it because my son ill around. t be a lot of t goes on. t be people  of t uation e situation. I couldnt see it s, too muc seem to commit suicide very often. Or if talks about it. Anyo committing suicide, nobody beats somebody, if you see w I mean.

    theres no rope holding you back.

    I prayed for Davids soul, even t  do ted ter Matty o sleep, I left es and o see  t reets full of big  urned into flats, so ts , t . And t ime to turn around and go home.

    t evening, I celevision about a Scottisective  on  about David some more, because I dont suppose  on very  sure t of t t muc for lots of arguments bettisective and  of time o find out  look as t ex-en minutes of y minutes of rying to find   bin. Forty minutes, I suppose, if you took out tisements. I noticed because I  more interested in ts ts didnt seem to come around very often.

    And t seemed about rigo me, ten minutes an   rigective, and it ant for   t cime on solving t I t in a tV programme, ten minutes an  right for your problems.

    t  sixty minutes an  , youre bound to end up on toppers house.

    I s s, but ts of times in my life op Matty becoming sixty minutes an hour.

    to t. Id ly, because of t  most of time, on most days, it  me and my son, and t meant trouble.

    Any evening ts. I lay in bed  David, and ttisective, and coming doo find Cually I got ts unknotted, and o find out o tting toget in  get so eaten up about some to do for forty or fifty minutes an  would help everybody.

    But I ive. I kneins  of ideas after t. So I asked Jess, because I didnt tion  five minutes, on a computer. But ted to come o see Cindy, and I said s you try telling  s.

    I got on Dads computer, and put Cindy So Google, and I found an intervie time about break and all t. You could even click on a picture of  older and a bit fatter, because of . And ting t Penny looked like teen-year-old, except t teen-year-old its or ossers, arent tin? tops or  ones t are slimmer and do more stuff now.

    So I read tervie said sorley  forty miles outside London. And if srying to stop people like us from knocking on to tell o get back ake, because terviely  one to told us all ted us to kno from een-year-old.

    e decided not to tell JJ. e ty sure op us for some bulls reason or anots none of your business, or, Youll fuck up t c. But  , Maureen and I. Our argument e Martin because  any not for a ake o e o  o die. And ts a lot of e. true,  ever said ed to get back  o be in a secure domestic environment, in a place like torley  ter to do noto do trouble - teenage girls and nigos .

    So  eat. And  tube to Paddington, train to Neo torley  Maureen and I  o say to eac really bored, and Id end up doing sometupid, because of t it really  like t, mostly because of me, and t I put in. I decided t I o be like an intervieype-person, and Id spend t about Maureens life, no matter  rouble  it ually too boring and depressing to listen to, so I sort of scalking, and t up t question. A couple of times s me funny, so Im guessing t quite often s told me somet it again. Like once, I   tuned back in to  Frank. So I ,  Frank, but I t s said  , if I o be an intervie lets face it, I  be intervieo concentrate, because talking about tuff youd actually  to kno.

    Any   to t me asking yle or anyt. And  Id come a long  made me t our story  of coming to an end, and it o be a ing out eac just sitting around moping. ts  it?  solved. Ive seen loads of films like t. ed sort out Martin today, and turn our minds to JJ, and t on ter ninety days, and smile, and  we had moved on.

    top  ticle in t. So  off tood outside to see tle cottagey sort of place o ttle girls all  to Maureen, Do you knoins kids? And s rig. I could imagine Martin and Cindy  of old-fasend t Mr Darcy or  door. So I sed, Oo-o, Polly! Maisie! And t us and came to ective work over.

    e knocked on t me as if soppers o your ever in t elling   me telling you. I really . I can see t of t of an unfriendly and unart.

    And I , ell, ts t it?

    And s, Is it?

    And I , Yes, it is. Because  o be your ex-husband.

    And s, Oh, yes he does.

    And  door.

    At t point Maureen goes, Do you talk to you? Im Maureen. Im also a friend of Martins. eve come dorain.

    And t ed o kno.

    And Cindy said, Im sorry, come in. Not Im sorry, fuck off  I t so say. Sand out on tep. So I en minutes Ill o taking him back.

    So o ttage, and its cosy in t not all like out of a magazine,  ure didnt really matc  smelled of t. So tting room and tting by t, O  under table. Because ening to a alkman  listen to a alkman  visiting, do you?

    Cindy  up to apped  visitors, and ening to Stepter. t, so I t I s a o say to t. ook tton on the machine.

    And Cindy said, Its Pauls dog t t I didnt say t.

    Cindy told  ins, and ed o leave, and s, o say I  you to o tell Cindy s back in, so you mig  to . And  knoo say to t either.

    Maureen looked at me, and t him.

    And Cindy said, Yes,  say Im surprised. And Maureen tells  topped   us? e didnt leave s ime. But, you knoell you  of t ake. And Cindy goes, I   in term, and I also  t by time  oo late. And I , Its never too late to learn. And s, It is for  s of smiled and said s agree to disagree. And I  o die, then?

    And t a bit quiet, and I t Id got  t about killing myself too,  ion, because of ts indicative of t ion.  part of a family. ed being part of a family.

    And ts o kill oo. Dont you think?

    And I , ell I can see  didnt .

    Cindy said, Did ell you I  let he girls?

    And Maureen said, Yes, ion t. And Cindy , ell, ts not true. I just  let ake t . Or  t  to be t sort of dad, you see. Its too muc. s to come ory some nig not every nigo see tmas play.   all tuff. And t kno,  of a tosser, really, isnt  of mistakes, sinues to make them.

    And t Paul bloke goes, If er, youd o say t t, so I  got to do h you?

    And Cindy said, Listen, Ive been very patient il norangers knock on my door and tell me to get back togetroyed me, and I invite tually listen to t Paul is my partner, and part of my family, and a epfato ts s got to do h him.

    And tood up and said, I take ter upstairs,   and ripped over my feet, and Cindy dived over and  s o tell me  all t stuff, like, Do I look nine years old oo tell Cindy so leave a blind man and get back togeteen-year-olds and treated . It s really ? t  to be treated t of it. Ill just say t  all to tell Cindy so leave an OK bloke  still didnt sound great.